I’m back and feeling a lot better. I have days where I don’t. Today I am going and sorting out my depression so I will be a lot happier and less down soon. Amazing right! I did the adult thing!
So recently this week I moved back to university in Derby and moved into my new house. It’s beautiful to be honest. Nicest house I’ve ever lived in. Defiantly better than my house last year with the pet mice we never asked for and the drug dealing on my garden. I’m so happy with my bedroom it looks so cute and it’s like my tiny safe space. I am in love with it. The house has heating too unlike last year when I had to sleep with a hot water bottle and lots of fluffy clothes on. Never again. Met my first new house mate who is lovely. I love new people.
I also had an interview and trial shift for LUSH. I loved it. Talking to people and doing the demos. One girl I did 3 demos on and she brought everything I showed her. She became my new best friend. I went home smelling beautiful. They even gave me small gift box to say thank you for coming down. She stopped my half way through my shift to tell me how to improve and it was super helpful. So hopefully this week i’ll get a phone call to say yes or no. Hope its a yes!
I’ll be trying to make blogs and get my brain moving more cause summer has been a nightmare. I learnt why I never talk to anyone from high school. Back on track and back on with my life. I can’t wait for September when everyone moves back. I’ve missed all my friends. I haven’t seen them in ages and some for really long time. Everything feels positive at the moment. I hope it stays this way.
I’m not going to lie. I feel like I’m the lowest in my moods than I have been in a while. One reason why. Men. Relationships. They suck. They make you feel awful. Brought my mood down loads and thats why I’ve had not motivation and I just feel so sad to do anything.
However,on a lighter note! I finally got into my third year of university of thinking I wasn’t going to pass. I could of cried but I didn’t cause I realised I should start my dissertation right now and I started to panic. I also got the job I really wanted. Finally going somewhere in my life. I saw my Derby friends yesterday and went to Derby for a meeting for my society and that cheered me up. I’m trying not to be sad but I don’t feel as sad as I did before when everything went (sorry) to shit. I’ve learnt my self worth and that I need to be happy. I’m going away to Dorset for 3 weeks which is very well needed. I’m tempted to turn off every kind of communication with anyone and live my life. Sometimes I hate mobile phones and social media. Makes life hell to be honest. I’m going to see The Addams Family Musical and Olly Murs so I’m very excited.
I’ve decided to sort out what I hate about myself and hate about my life. People,weight,looks,hair,clothes. I’m counting down the days until I can finally move back to Derby. It’s where I feel safe,happy and never alone. Only just over a month left until I can move into my nice,new and very pretty house with my new house mates. That’ll do me some good. Fresh starts and that. Sorry about me being sad.
I was having a good think the other day after me and my best friend talk about our future all the time. I was having a think and I think I now know what I want for in 5 years time. I thought I’d write a blog post about it so I could come back in 5 years and see if my goals happened and write about what has happened.
- I would love to graduate from university. At the moment I feel like its not going to happen. I don’t feel good enough for university but let’s see if it’ll actually happen. I hope so. I choose my dress.
- I wouldn’t mind having a flat with my friends in 5 years time. I’m thinking of moving into a bigger city like Manchester so I have a better job opportunities especially in the job that I want. I know that straight after university I’d like to move in with a few friends.
- I want to be driving. I better be driving. I want that independence. It annoys me now cause all I want is to pick up my friends and go somewhere for the day and make memories. I wanted to start at 17 but it just never happened.
- I want to be in a relationship. That would be nice. I’ll be 26 I better be in a relationship god damn it. Wouldn’t mind being engaged but that’s wishful thinking.
- I want to loose my weight. I don’t mind the size I am now but I wouldn’t mind a thinner face and a flatter belly. I like being curvy but I feel like I don’t look healthy.
- I want to be a full time job in marketing and social media. That’s the main goal right now is breaking into the industry and finding my feet.
- Not a big goal but I want to get more tattoos. I want my leg covered. I want to be a human canvas.
Let’s come back in 5 years and see whats happens!
June 19th I went on my first adult holiday. No family. My university put on a trip to Portugal to visit Fest. A week long film festival with workshops,screenings and talks. This was terrifying for me. I’ve never been on a plane or on a holiday.
On Monday we left the uni at 1:30 to a freezing cold coach. Oh my lord was it cold. I was ready for the holiday in my shorts and tank top like an actual idiot. I ended up swapping seats with my friend to get under his girlfriends blanket and fall asleep. I had no idea airports were so aggressive. A guy physically picked me up and moved me cause I was taking to long. I have bad anxiety so imagine someone who has never been to an airport who can’t get there suitcase to unlock to get out their liquids while having panic attack. Nightmare. Then my bag got searched and I lost all my friends. This was 5:30 in the morning. Not a good start. Then still with anxiety on high alert I get on the plane. Taking off wasn’t as bad as people made it out to be. What I hated was turbulence and I fell asleep to wake up to that and my head telling me I’m gonna die. We got to Portugal to find it was cold. It started to rain. It was 30 degrees in England. I also thought it was 5pm and was ready to sleep. The hostel was not what we expected and we found out we had been given people to stay with and people got split up. We ended up trading friends and moving eachother in and out. We were so tired and cranky that we were angry at eachother and crying. I wanted to sleep but nope 40 min walk. I was crying cause all I wanted to do was sleep. I didn’t care for anything else. However, we found the beach and went for dinner. Later that night we found somewhere for tea,went on the beach and then our lecturers told us there was a party and instead we got a 2 hour screening that they walked out of and so did I. Way to tired.
During the week we went to the beach. The waves were huge and the lifeguard kept shouting ‘NO SWIM’ at us which was fine because I can’t swim and I already had been took down by a wave. I thought that was the end for me and I was gone. We got drunk very fast from very cheap cider. This ended up in my friend Brandon wanting to go into the sea like every night. I learnt that everything there has egg on it. Literally everything. Want a burger? egg.
I went to a workshop ran by Cecil Baldwin who created Nightvale. That was an interesting morning. I don’t do acting though so I left. Right out of my comfort zone. Later that afternoon he did a talk with Melissa Leo on prejudice in film. It was very interesting. A lot of angry opinions on gay rights. Went away feeling proud to be a women but angry at film makers.
The best day that we had was a day out in Porto. We walked the streets and took a lot of photos. It was so beautiful. There was even a McDonald’s which was the best part of being there to be honest. Got to try it out in a different country right? There was a festival on where you hit eachother with plastic hammers. We thought blow up inflatable hammers. Nope actual hard plastic hammers. Found the closest bar to us all. In 2 hours I was so fucking drunk. I had to stop drinking because the toilets were so hard away and a 45 min wait for you were a women cause they only had 1 toilet for a money and 3 for men. I became a very big feminist in that que. Katie and Brandon fell into the doc and were soaked. Some of us decided to go home cause we were exhausted and cause we don’t speak the language we got on the wrong train. Well it was correct but it changed. Thankfully our lecturers were on it and saved the day a little.
I don’t think holidays not in a tourist area are for me. I was so home sick and all I wanted to do was go home. So glad to be back in home comforts.